An open letter to the screenwriter of Watchmen:

Hello Friends.  I've been planning on posting my monumental disappointment to the film Watchmen but through some fortuitous something or other, was afforded a more entertaining chance.  Earlier this week Aintitcoolnews.com posted an open letter from one of Watchmen's screenwriters David Hayter: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/40409 

This was my response, sent today to Harry Knowles, let's see if he publishes it.  And if you want to be extra rad devotees you'll email him: Harry@aintitcool.com and tell him what the Public wants.

And here, we, go:

Harry,

In response to Mr. Hayter's unctuous call-to-arms in repeat viewings of Watchmen, I have the following.  If you use this, please call me Fiction Science.

It's been 9 days since my midnight showing of Watchmen at the Navy Pier Imax and I'm (and my friends) still pissed-off.  I'll be upfront that everyone in attendance read the GN within the last 6-9 months in preparation for the film, but, for me something else happened: : 'Watchmen' was seamless in quality, scope and size with my normal reading, around the same time consisting of such books as 'House of Leaves' and 'Gravity's Rainbow.'  And before you tell me I'm waggling some Literary Cock (and you can fuck off accordingly)  in your faces, my only intent is to shower praise on 'Watchmen,' because this fucker moved me, and it's the Catalyst, the Kinetic Energy of such Thematic and Character-Laced magnitude that generally moves people: this, devastatingly, was absent from the film.  (Not surprisingly, this also equates to poor word of mouth.)

Maybe if we take something as vapid as Starship Troopers, oddly enough in your list of comparisons of some films that, oh, maybe, shouldn't be listed with Watchmen we'll start to scratch the surface.  In short: you were complicit in taking a Work that is mostly backstory and character development, suck the salient qualities right out of its narrative bone marrow, and throw the Pretty, Vacuous, and yes sometimes entertaining shell, right on the silver screen: kind of like...Starship Troopers.  I'm going to pump the brakes here and address the following: I understand this was a massive undertaking, aesthetically many things are beautiful and spot-on, and -- in its own remarkable victory -- Watchmen made it through development and studio-tinkering largely untouched.  Bravo (and I'm not being facetious).  But Mr. Hayter: How do you Nail all those things and fall so short on the Fundamentals of Narrative???!

Narrative.  Character.  These are the reasons The Dark Knight (and to a lesser extent Iron Man) made buckets of cash and were a big Love-Fest critically, trickling down to word of mouth.  When I saw TDK I was Most taken with the scope of the Narrative, permeated by Themes of morality/chaos/the ugly side of heroics -- and do you know what these elements afforded the film: iconic, deeply-moving moments that made the performances and imagery POP! because they had real Weight attached to them.  None of this (save for Jackie Earle Haley's raw/dominant performance, which is really a foreign element , orbiting around a benign film) was present in Watchmen.  And, you can call me an asshole, negative-nacny whatever, but now -- You have a Box-Office Quandary and are relegated to rallying the internet-troops via AICN to promulgate the idea that there's some silver living to your mercurial, maddeningly uneven film.

And I'm no Armchair Quarterback sir: I would love to take your job.  Here's a thought: A) start the film with the Comedian's murder.  B) Don't cut-away with recaps set to Very distracting Bob Dylan tunes because people like Succinct storytelling.  C) This is a big one, Adapt the narrative to your benefit: take Hollis Mason's 'Under The Hood' and make it the spine/backbone of the initial story/exposition  so the viewers see the History of the Superhero movement, and the, oh I don't know, take a little narrative glue and segue into his take on the 2nd Generation of heroes and their respective backstories.  this way we can have Thematic Cake and Eye-Candy too.  And this way important elements of the story like just about everything w/r/t Ozymandias, Tales Of The Black Freighter (which , if you're really a fan or understand the GN you'll see is a necessary element to Ozymandias' character/machinations), The Newsstand with Bernie and Bernard, The New Frontiersman, and yes, the Island and the Squid, don't have to be left out.

When you choose to fragment a film, or have the Hubris to think you can give it to us in pieces -- like The Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions -- it never works.  Quality over Quantity in the end, Mr. Hayter, but nothing ends, nothing ever ends.